His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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