Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
