i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
