I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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