My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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