I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
