if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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