whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
