You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can I color on your dick again?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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