Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
