I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
