You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
