I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
