I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
