from now on my penis is your penis
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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