i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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