Where did you get a picture of my penis
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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