Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
