I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
