I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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