fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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