Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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