im about as happy as oj after his trial
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
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He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.