Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.