he told me I talked like a deaf person
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?