The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
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It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him