If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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