Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
