Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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