I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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