"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
