I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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