My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
