i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
