So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
