If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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