Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i think my mom watched the whole time
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
