its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
