I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
