its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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