he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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