My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
