If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
