As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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