Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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