I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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