I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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