i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
