at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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