I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
