My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
