Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
