oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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