1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
