I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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