whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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