I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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