im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
