I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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