at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
