I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
