Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
