This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
