i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
