Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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