My friends, they love my intelligence
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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