How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
