Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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