I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
