my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
