i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
