the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
